Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
