Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
