Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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