chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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