She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
