Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
