I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
