Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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