I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
