I met the friendliest cop last night
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My liver just had a heart attack.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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