I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
