I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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