Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
