DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
