i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize