my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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