you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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