if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You took a bar mat shot.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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