I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
