rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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