his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
