i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
try to milk me bitch
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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