I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
