my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
