I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
