There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
As shirtless as possible
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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