have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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