just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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