I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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