Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
