we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
