yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
