I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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