Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
