who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
