I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
is wine microwaveable?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
