Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
