So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
she told me i tasted like america
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
