You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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