If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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