You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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