just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
