I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
