My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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