some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
