So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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