Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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