I can tuck mytits in my pants
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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