I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
