I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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