I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
