The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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