and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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