I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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