Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I could make wine with my vomit
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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