I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
