I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
