I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
