Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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