I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
